The Countdown Begins

Finally, the election has been called. At last, I get to send my groovy PowerPoint invitation to everyone I’ve ever met, in order that they may admire my skills.

So now, the massive house clean begins. Both fridges have wet themselves in fear. (Or maybe because the Man accidentally turned one off overnight and I left the other freezer door ajar). Dove shit has been scraped off the floorboards, the wooden blinds have received their first wash since they ceased to be trees, and spider populations have been rehoused.

But there’s so much more to do! Here’s my rough working list:

1 Put sofa cover through the washing machine
2 Clean the toilet (after purchasing toilet cleaner. Our existing stuff is probably out of date by now)
3 Collect human hair balls from all corners of the house.
4 Vacuum and mop the floors.
5 Polish the kettle and toaster. I love that job. I love seeing the metal sparkle and shine, and I especially enjoy the fumes!
6 Have fight with the Man
7 Dust
8 Remind the Man that the ‘Good Housekeeping’ team are not expected to attend and do an inspection
9 Sweep deck
10 Have a HUGE fight with the Man
11 Clean the barbie – a job that probably involves cockroach killer/a professional pest control company
12 Put up fairy lights

So many things to do. If it were up to me I’d do the basics and then abandon the job on the basis of, it will be dark most of the time so the guests won’t notice the questionable hygiene of our abode. Unfortunately the Man can be a pedantic little monster when it comes to preparing for guests, and if I appear calmer than him he will get really pissed off.

By the way, in case you were wondering, the dove flew away a couple of weekends ago. We left the back doors wide open, and it sat in the pot plant for a while, looking vacant but obviously plotting, because suddenly it shot out in a flurry of beating wings. We last saw it hopping aimlessly about on a neighbour’s roof. I hope it’s having birdy fun, wherever it is.

I was a bit worried about the dove, because later that afternoon there was a minor hurricane and plague of giant moths. I was in the CBD at the time. The Telstra building was just coated in Bogong moths. It was so gross. Then the wind whipped up and I had to duck and dodge them as they shot through the air. Thank God the plague seems to be nearing the end, and we won’t have to suffer any more stupid ‘humorous’ comments from people going “You do know you can eat them, don’t you?” It was ok the first time, but there’s only so much girly giggling I can do without the aid of alcohol.

Suppose I’d better do some work now.