Things that are annoying me at work today:

• Mr Shouty - This guy sits opposite me. He has a thunderously loud voice, especially on the phone, and annoying Canadian accent (not being anti-Canadian or anything. Everything about his voice is annoying). It’s kind of difficult to concentrate when vibrations are shaking my desk and making my whole body judder. You know how some high frequencies of sound can break glass, and low ones can cause avalanches? Mr Shouty’s vibrations cause a sudden need to stop working and surf the Internet instead. It’s bloody difficult to concentrate. Most of his job seems to involve calling people, so it’s a constant irritation. He’s also one of those sales guys who think it’s macho and virile to get pissed off with whoever he’s talking to, fire orders at them, and throw in a fair bit of foul language as well, to give an impression of barely-leashed, smouldering male aggression. You know, like the traditional Mills ‘n’ Boon hero that housewives used to swoon over in the ‘80s. (You don’t? Er…never mind then). It might be a bit more convincing if he wasn’t a grey-haired, desk-bound office worker. I mean, for God’s sake, he is impressing no-one, and there are LADIES PRESENT. Watch your mouth, Mr Shouty!

• Ms Shouty – She sits just around the corner from me. Also loud on the phone, but instead of aggressive, she is chortly. Is it natural to be that mirthful all the time?

• The unholy stench in the toilets – The entire company relocated to new offices recently. The ladies’ toilets on my floor are therefore brand new, like everything else here, and very nice, except for the stench of decay that hangs in the air. If ever I were looking for the mouth of Hell, the level 4 toilets would be on my list of places to start looking.

• Microsoft Excel – I’ve just spent two solid hours trying to figure out how to make a graph in Excel, according to my boss’s specifications. I haven’t thought this hard since I was a student trying to figure out Spinoza’s theories of substance (and I didn’t do terribly well at that, either). It’s one of those things that I know is easy, but has had me sweating blood.

• The noisy guy in the company gym. He goes ‘ooohhhh. HOOOOHHHHHH.’ The first time I heard him it was a distant, echoey sort of noise. I didn’t bother looking round because I assumed he must be hoisting weights and it really wasn’t worth falling off the treadmill. But this afternoon he was right behind me on another treadmill. Every time he suddenly went ‘OOOHHHHHH!!!’ I jumped right out of my skin. What is that all about? I will have to bring ear plugs next time and put them in, pointedly.