Overcoming The Language Barrier

I had a moment of disorientation last Monday as I plumped myself in my swivel chair, bracing myself for the torment of another working week, and flipped back the pages of my Far Side Desk Calendar, for there under the ‘6’ were the words ‘Bank Holiday (Eire, Scotland, Australia – ACT, NSW)’. About to pack my phone and my fruit promptly back in my bag and head home for a leisurely day of baking and wine-drinking, I noticed that my co-workers were all at their desks, happily bellowing away into their phones.

“Ummmm, it says here on my calendar that it’s a bank holiday today” I ventured to the nearest one.
“Is it?” he replied, with disinterest.
“So….why are we here?” I said.
“Well, we don’t work for a bank, do we?” (With a look of, “You freak”)

And thus it was I learned the terrible truth that in Australia, bank holidays only apply to, well banks. Oh, shocking country! It’s only taken me three years of residence to find that out!

It’s a funny thing, cultural difference. When I first arrived in Australia, it seemed like I’d gone all the way around the world just to end up in another England - How delightful! The only real differences seemed to be things like the weather, the appearance of the houses, and the accents. But once I’d been here a while I realized that there were a lot more than initially meet the eye.

Take language, for example. People assume that Australian English is basically the same as English English, barring classic Aussie-isms such as ‘fair dinkum’ and ‘good on ya!’. So while I’d known from childhood that Americans had their own words for many everyday objects, it never occurred to me that Australians did, too. After a few weeks of losing the plot halfway through conversations, and not knowing how it happened, I figured out the following translations, British to Australian:

1. Pavement = Footpath: in England, a footpath is something charmingly unpaved, that you’d find in the countryside. For a while I thought the Man just had an unconventional turn of phrase, until I figured out that it actually is correct usage in Australia.

2. Shoplift = Shop steal: It’s been pointed out to me that ‘shoplift’ is a funny expression. But I’d argue that ‘shop steal’ doesn’t solve anything. I mean, how do you steal a shop?

3. Lounge, sitting room = Lounge room: nothing wrong with that. It’s informative!

4. Cool box = Esky: I like this word. You can imagine you have your very own little piece of Alaska, in a box to keep your beers cold. How modern and convenient!

5. Flip-flops = Thongs: I’d never heard of this usage until I came to Australia. It continued to make me jump long after I’d been told what it meant.

6. Pint, half-pint = Midis and schooners: Atfirst, I thought the Man was teasing me when we walked into the pub and he told me order a midi or a schooner. I expected to be laughed at. Doesn't a schooner of beer sound big! Imagine, Australians, requesting a dinghy or an oil tanker full of your beverage of choice. That is how silly I felt.

7. Duvet = Doona: I definitely thought the Man was making fun of me with this one! I didn’t doubt that it was a real Australian word, but I thought it must be some backwoods slang that city people wouldn’t actually use. I mean, it doesn’t sound serious, does it?

8. afternoon = Arvo: but it’s slang

9. Sweet = Lolly: In England, a lolly is a sweet on a stick. Short for lollypop. I still think it’s weird that people will indicate the chocolates on their desk and ask me if I want a lolly. Not that I'll ever say no…

10. Asphalt = Bitumen: Australians always talk about bitumen and the English about asphalt, and I guess they’re talking about the same stuff.

11. Baby = Bub: slang

12. Off-licence = Bottle shop

13. Flat = Unit

14. Serving = Serve: it annoys me every time some gushing advert person says ‘serve’ instead of ‘serving’. Why? It just does!

15. Clothes line? = Hoist – Australians invented that thing on a pole that goes in your back garden. To be honest, I don’t even know the English English for it. Is it clothes line? I never realized I didn’t have a name for it – it just never came up!

16. calorie = Kilojoule – I had a horrible moment near the beginning of my stay in Australia when I checked the food values on the back of some small thing I’d just eaten and thought I’d consumed about 750 calories. Luckily, kilojoules are not the same thing as calories, but what do these huge numbers actually mean to your hips? And who the hell talks about ‘counting kilojoules’? Guys, it’s calories you need to worry about! Not kilojoules!!

17. Abroad = Overseas: Again, these two words are not synonyms. But it is strange to think that Australians never, ever use the word ‘abroad’. If you use it they won’t understand and you have to repeat yourself using the word ‘overseas’.

18. Sun bathe = Sun bake: Freaks! How funny does this sound?! ‘Sun bathe’ is weird too, I suppose, but at least it’s accepted by the rest of the rest of the English-speaking world. Again, I was struck with wonder that an entire country could be using a phrase such as ‘sun bake’ and the rest of the world had never heard of it.

And these are only the polite ones!

Perplexed as I am by some of these Australianisms, I just know that next time I go back to England, I'll be unconsciously talking Aussie and wondering why nobody understands plain English! Interestingly, English people these days normally assume I'm Australian. This last fortnight I've been asked by English people - on two separate occasions - if I've ever been to the UK. Clearly, I'm successfully getting my tongue around the local lingo.

Bonza!