Driving Him Crazy

Last night I had a troubled dream in which I was driving out-of-control in a city somewhere, lurching around the road and shocking the drivers and pedestrians around me.

Actually, it was only a slightly exaggerated version of my driving lesson yesterday afternoon. My subconscious obviously took it to heart. The Man is my driving teacher. He morphs into this cruel, judgemental drill sergeant type immediately before my driving lessons and turns back into his normal, mild(er) self immediately after. Coincidence?

Here’s a short extract of what a stowaway in our car would have heard at around 4:00 yesterday afternoon:

Me: Sooooo…the parking lights are here, normal beam is here…what’s this thingy?
The Man: WE DID THIS LAST LESSON! That’s for full beam!
Me: Ok, ok! I’m just reviewing to make double sure.
The Man: Look, just drive. Pull out now…
Me: I need to adjust the mirror. Wait – how do I adjust the mirror again?
The Man: Pull out.
Me: Ok, checking the mirrors…
The Man: YOU’VE GOT TO BE CONFIDENT! JUST PULL OUT! God, I’m missing the rugby for this…YOU DIDN’T LOOK!!!!!!!
Me: I was going to but you upset me!
The Man: This isn’t a game, you know. Driving is life or death. Now take the next left…You swung out too far again! That’s SUCH a bad habit, you need to break it now. That’s how old people drive.
Me: I think it’s because I was worried about that car sticking out on the corner…
The Man: I don’t want you to talk about it. I want you to do it right FIRST TIME. The road is no place for mistakes. One mistake and you’re dead. It’s about getting from A to B SAFELY. Next left.
Me: I think that was better this time! Don’t you think it was better?
The Man: Well it ought to be. Go faster now.
Me: Ummm…there are lots of cats on this street.
The Man: Turn right here.
Me: That was a good turn, wasn’t it?
The Man: Then left. SLOW DOWN!!! This is a dangerous bit, it’s so narrow here.
Me: Uhhhhh…there’s a car ahead. Oh my God, what do I do!
The Man: Pull in. DON’T PANIC!!!!
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I don’t know where to gooooooooooooo!!!!
The Man: PULL IN!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!....Phew.
The Man: I can’t believe you! You shouldn’t panic like that! Keep your foot over the brake!
Me: I did! I do! Ooooooh…there’s a car behind us!
The Man: IT’S OK. Just keep going and don’t slow down! I’m so nervous now.
Me: Me too. Who has right of way here? Should I let him go?
The Man: No, you can go. He looks like an arrogant bastard. The people who live round here think learners like you shouldn’t be on the road. Actually, you shouldn’t be.
Me: (Lovingly) So, are you enjoying your Sunday drive?
The Man: Stop slamming your foot down on the brake like that. Honestly, you’re always going on about how good you are at ballet –
Me: (Really hurt) Hey, I never say that!
The Man: - so try and apply those coordination skills to something useful.
Me: I’m getting tired now. Can we stop?
The Man: Ok. Maybe the game will still be on.

I’ve only had three lessons so far. He’s so hard on me. Before I’d had any lessons, I used to dream about getting in a car and driving around fairly competently, dodging the police (I was unlicensed even in my dreams!) Now I have horror dreams of hurtling down narrow suburban streets threatening the property and personal safety of all around me. The Man’s lessons must be damaging me psychologically.

Other news this weekend: My friend and I went to Kirribilli House on Sunday. Apparently it’s only open to the public one day a year, or more rarely. It’s SO nice. I would love to live there. The décor is pretty bad – really old person; it made me quite nostalgic for my granddad – but the tableware was first rate! I experienced a sudden, powerful urge to go shopping for crystal wineglasses and silver salt cellars. Lovely! It wasn’t all fun, though. There were two houses, the Admiralty House and Kirribilli House, and for each we had to queue for about an hour, under the surprisingly hot sun. We spent a lot of money on drinks from the boy scout stall. (I guess I don't begrudge them the money. Who can say no to a darling, enterprising little boy scout? If I ever have sons, I definitely hope they’ll be scouts!) But we got our picture taken with the Governor-General. Just as it was being taken, this idiot old man came up and introduced himself, so in the picture, the Governor-General is actually looking away from us. It looks like we've been superimposed or something.

It was a tiring day, but as my friend said, it’s good that we went, and it means we don’t have to do it again!